Down for Love
by GreyEyesGlaringAtShonda
Summary: In a world of tragedy, Derek and Meredith tried to find love. Chapter 10 is up.
1. Liquor and Lavender

**Title: Down For Love**

**Author: Greyeyedgirl**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am a sick, obsessed child who is addicted to both Grey's Anatomy and writing. I also have a procrastination problem, and this helps pass the time while I avoid doing my homework. :D**

**Summary: "The liquor dripping down his throat was burning, and it fit Derek's mood as he reminisced about Meredith."**

Author's Note: Quick fic to pass the time before Grey's gets off hiatus. Read, review. And don't get mad if the fiction sucks. I am very tired. And this fic was bothering me to be written. I think I have OCD.

The liquor dripping down his throat was burning, and it fit Derek's mood as he reminisced about Meredith. Her hair...It smelled good. Not like hair that had just been washed and smelled like expensive, over-scentified shampoo. It smelled like her. Like Meredith.

Her eyes, her smile, the way she looked at him. He took another swig of the alcohol. They had to be long swigs, because if he just sipped at it, it would burn his tongue and throat, and he'd unwillingly spit it out. He had to just put as much down as quickly as he could to be able to swallow. Like ripping off a band-aid. No anesthesia.

That was how she had been torn from him. Ripped away, leaving him down. He had drank the liquor as fast as he could, but it still burned, and it Hurt. He wiped the tear away from his eye, wishing it was just from the alcohol. He brought the bottle to his lips and inhaled. His coughing came out in rough bursts.

"You okay, man?" It was Joe, looking at him, worry on his face. "I'm fine," Derek managed.

"Dude, I think you've had enough."

"I'm fine!" His voice sounded ruder than he'd intended. He'd had more than enough. "Sorry, Joe," he whispered, taking the bottle of Southern Comfort and stumbling out the door. He couldn't stay here. She might come, and he knew he would not be able to resist the temptation, or be able to calm his aching heart when she came into view. Addison was staying at the hotel, and he knew she would not be back to the bar that night, just like he wouldn't go back to New York. Too many bad memories.

He wanted to go home. It was what he thought of the trailer as, even though he hadn't been back there for a couple of months. He couldn't drive, could he? It wouldn't be bright. He dipped the top of the bottle back into his mouth. Ohhhh, how it burned. He deserved it, for what he had done to her. His heart had been hurting since Meredith had first said, "It's not enough." His heart was ruined, maybe even his brain, so why not worry the rest of his organs, too?

He missed her. He could see her face, the look in her beautiful eyes when she saw him, the happiness transformed into pain that was rivaled only by his own. Was that the price that had to be paid for loving someone? For having a person in your life that could cause a happiness like no other? Having them hurt you instead? God, he loved her.

_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love the feel of your hair, soft and angelic through my fingers. I love the taste of your lips, the porcelain of your skin. The rhythmic beating of our hearts together._ God, he was drunk.

His eyes filled as he remembered the way she'd been after the big train wreck hit Seattle. How she'd reacted to Bonnie. "WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HER! WE HAVE AN OBLIGATION!" Which had she said? We? Or he?

His heart broke as he remembered her screams. How could he have done that? How could he have broken her like that? His body burned again, but this time it wasn't from the alcohol.

"Derek?"

He looked up from his position with his head bent over the alcohol bottle. "Meredith," he murmured.

"It's okay," she said, bending down and taking the bottle from his hand. "It's okay."

"Meredith," he murmured, smiling. "Yes. It's me."

"I'm srry. Iluv you." His words were slurred and jumbled.

"It's okay," she whispered. "Noooooooo." Why was his head spinning such?

"Iluv you Merdith." Why couldn't he talk right? "Meredith," he corrected himself.

"Yes."

"Iluv you."

"Yes."

He forced himself to open his eyes. "Sayit bak."

Meredith's face swam in his mind.

"Dude? Dude!" Derek awoke with a jolt. "What?" He mumbled quietly.

"Uh, I think you fell asleep. Are you okay?" It was the male nurse, Tyler.

"Yes." He tried to sit up, his head throbbing and stomach burning. "Yes." Tyler looked worried. "Are you sure, Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek nodded absentmindedly, looking around. He must not have slept very long, it was still pitch black outside, and the alcohol had not even begun to wear off yet. He took another swig as he stood up, and it made him shiver. Ohhh, he was going to throw up.

He made his way to the parking lot, fishing around in his pocket for his keys. There. Got 'em. He sat himself down into the driver's seat, fumbling to put the keys in the ignition. _Turn, turn. There. Now, GO._

He almost didn't feel it as the impact threw him through the car.


	2. Into the Fire

**Down For Love- chapter 2**

By **greyeyedgirl**. BTW, if you're interested, my real name is Ruthi.

Author's Note: Well, I had more homework assigned, and I have midterms to study for, and Physics crap to do, but, well...lol. It's okay, though, I have a 4.0. Anyway, I hope this turns out okay. I wasn't quite sure where to go with the story, I never really am, I just let my fingers type and hope what letters they've strung together make sense.

Summary: "Meredith could feel the pain, stuck in her lungs and throat and soul, not letting her respond. The tears were too warm, they burned like the alcohol, and they were just as dangerous."

"34 year old male, damage to chest, in need of heart surgery to repair damage. Alcohol found in his bloodstream. May regain consciousness, is still-"

Derek awoke with a jolt, feeling pain like he never had before. He felt woozy, he could barely comprehend "few blocks away" "Seattle Grace" "loss of blood cause of concern." What was going on? What happened? "Meredith?"

"He's awake."

"Sir, can you hear me? You were in a car accident. We're taking you to Seattle Grace Hospital, you're in need of a-"

Derek attempted to sit up, but it was futile. "Meredith..."

_**xxxxxxx**_

"Are you okay?"

Meredith turned her head, rubbing a tear away from her eye. "Cristina."

Cristina walked over to her, sitting next to her in the waiting room. Her voice was uncharacteristically soft. "It's okay. Burke's going to take care of him."

Meredith forced a smile. "I know. I'm...I'm not worried."

Cristina was looking at her, concern written all over her lovely features. "Do you...need to talk about it?"

"He was drunk. He was driving drunk."

Cristina sighed. "I know."

Meredith's voice broke as the tears fell, she leaned her head against Cristina, crying. "He couldn't stop saying my name."

Cristina's arm wove it's way around Meredith's shoulder. "It's okay," she whispered.

"I want to go see him after the surgery. I need to. But what if..._she's_ there?"

Cristina didn't say anything, just let Meredith's head tip against her, wiping away her tears.

_**xxxxxxx**_

"The surgery went perfectly. He's in recovery, but his chances should be excellent after his body gets over the essential shock of the accident followed almost immediately by the surgery."

"Thank you, Dr. Burke." Meredith's head was still leaned against Cristina's, although Cristina's eyes had become locked on Burke since he had entered the room.

Burke looked uncomfortable for a moment. "Dr. Grey, he's...asking to see you. It might help him."

Meredith looked at Cristina, standing up. "Will you...walk me in there?"

Cristina grasped Meredith's hand, leading her to the room.

Derek's eyes were closed.

"Derek?" Cristina gave Meredith's hand a last squeeze, before releasing it and subtly stepping out the door.

Derek's eyes had flown open at the sound of her voice. "Meredith." His voice was soft, weak.

Meredith could feel the pain, stuck in her lungs and throat and soul, not letting her respond. The tears were too warm, they burned like the alcohol, and they were just as dangerous.

"I'm leaving Addison."

Meredith was shaking, wondering if heaven could only come after the world had completely crashed down around her.

"What would be enough?"

"Meredith, I don't want you to cry."

She still couldn't talk. Her vocal cords had been ripped out. It Hurt. Why couldn't life ever give that anesthesia? Didn't people deserve some damn painkillers?

They were quiet, maybe too quiet, but maybe not. "Will you stay with me?" He whispered.

Meredith wasn't sure if he meant in the hospital room, or in a relationship, or even if he had spoke at all. Her dreams liked to play tricks on her.

"Yes."

_**xxxxxxx**_

"Derek, we...we need to talk about this." Addison's eyes were lit, whether from the light hitting them or the tears forming was undetectable.

"What's there to talk about?" Derek was quiet, and his eyes were glistening, pained from physical and emotional heartbreak.

"You...you're really...in love with her?" Addison was trying to keep her composure. Her head was up straight. She couldn't let him see what he was doing to her. She wasn't going to stay with someone that didn't want her.

"So this is really...it? I packed up my life, my practice, and you're telling me that you're in _love_ with her?"

"Addison, I'm so sorry." Why did he have to keep apologizing to the women he was with? "I just...we've...drifted away, and I don't feel..._that_...anymore. And with Meredith, it's...different."

Addison looked broken. "Derek, I can't go back to New York. Everyone would...know, and..."

"Tell them you broke up with me. That I cheated on you. Whatever you want. It doesn't matter to me. My life is here now, Addie."

Addison could feel her inside shattering as she stared at Derek, trying to keep her face like she didn't care. Like he wasn't killing her.

"You're really...in love with her."

A hint of a smile twitched at Derek's face as Meredith's smile drifted into his mind. "Yes."

Addison forced her voice not to shake, managing a syllable, pronouncing it carelessly, nonchalantly. "Fine."

**_xxxxxxxx_**

Meredith headed down the hall, brushing a tear off her face as she walked. How could it work? How could she be with him? How couldn't she be with him? She sighed. At least she didn't have to deal with Addison. Derek had said...she smiled, thinking of him. She continued down the hall, the cup of coffee Cristina had brought her warming her hand. She felt a little humming in her head as she pictured Derek's face. She'd promised to take him to see the ferryboats as soon as he was out of recovery. The smile widened on her face. Maybe it would work. She stopped walking as she turned a corner, as she watched Addison exit Derek's room.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

A/N: Sorry. Not very good at cliffhangers either. :p Sorry, I have to go study for my Civics midterm, it's tomorrow! I'm going to try to continue to write ff as much as I can, but I'm going to have a lot of homework next semester, I switched to Advanced Algebra. / But I promise to write fanfic! Like, a lot. Because I always wait till way past the last possible moment to do my homework anyway. Smiles sheepishly. And with new episodes (FINALLY, freaky-deaky yay) I'll have TONNNSSS to write about, and I'll just be rattlin off the stories. BTW, sorry the fic's kinda...off. I'm a little distracted. ;)


	3. Fools in Love

**Down for Love-chapter 3**

By greyeyedgirl

A/N: Well, I have Advanced Algebra homework to do, only I've decided that I don't care for polynomials (or are they binomials?) to the seventh degree. So, I decided to write some fic, because it's just way more fun. :D Oh, this chapter is way short, but I'm writing another one right after this to make up for it. ;)

_**Down for Love, chapter 3**_

"Um. Have you seen Meredith? She hasn't been in here to visit in a while..."

Dr. Burke glanced up from his spot in the corner, reading over Derek's chart with a look of intensity on his face. He tried to smile. "I haven't. I'll ask Cristina though, when I see her, all right?"

Derek smiled weakly. "Thanks." Burke nodded pleasantly, heading out of the room.

"Have you seen Grey? Shepherd is wondering..." Burke stopped when Cristina shot him a Look. "What?" He asked, confused.

"Shepherd was with Montgomery Shepherd. Meredith saw her leaving."

Preston's mouth dropped in comprehension. "Ohhh." He laughed. "Addison was here. I think Derek was...ending things...with her." He looked mildly uncomfortable.

Cristina stared at him. "I have to go tell Meredith." She turned to go.

"Woah, wait-Right now? I thought maybe we could talk about you moving-"

Cristina cut him off. "Burke, I gotta-"

Burke looked at her resignedly. "Right."

She sighed. "I'm _sorry."_

"Fine."

"Mer!"

"Not now, Cristina, I have to-" Meredith's cheeks looked damp, and her hair was tangled in the back.

"Meredith, this is important."

"What?"

Cristina ushered her into an on-call room, sitting down on a bunk bed.

"Cristina, _what?"_

"Addison. When you saw her, Derek had just broken up with her."

Meredith stared at her from the doorway. "Where did you hear that?"

Cristina smirked. "Burke."

Meredith stared at her for another moment, before reopening the door. "I gotta go."

"Meredith, I'm so sorry. How could you have thought that? The thing with me and Addison...it's over. I only want to be with you now." Derek's voice was soft, and he looked at her with soft eyes from his hospital bed. "You're the only woman I love."

Meredith looked at him, her heart breaking at the sight of his face so pale, with his hair tangled under a large bandage. "Right." She smiled at him, and it was as if Heaven opened right up to swallow them.

He looked up at her, his eyes effulgent with his love. "Meredith, I-"

She put a finger to his lips, and she closed her eyes, remembering their taste. Like a really good spaghetti sauce. Spicy, and warm, encompassing, almost. "Shhh," she whispered, touching the side of his face.

He closed his eyes, his face was worn, but he was glowing from the inside. "I love you, Meredith."

"I love you, too, Derek."


	4. Scratch on Glass

**Down for Love**

**Chapter 4**

**Greyeyedgirl**

Preston Burke's footsteps through the deserted hospital hallway echoed through his mind, the rhythmic pounding adjusting itself to become in tune with his heartbeat.

"Hi." Cristina Yang had appeared out of nowhere, and she fell into step with him nonchalantly. He turned his head to look at her, his yellow surgical cap falling a little bit on his forehead.

"Cristina." How hard it was to make his voice sound calm.

"Meredith patched things up with Derek. They're together right now." She was smiling.

Burke's voice came out very, very quiet. "I know."

Cristina turned to him, her eyebrows knitted. "What's the matter?"

He turned to look at her, an honest look in his eye. "Shepherd's labs...aren't very encouraging."

She stared at him, a forced, fake smile twisting her face. "What are you talking about? His surgery went fine."

He sat her down nearby, opening the chart in his hands. "Here." She bent her head over the lab, her heart stopping. _Oh, oh, oh._

Meredith was sitting a few inches away from Derek's bed, her head bent over his face, giggling. "Meredith," he said, whispering. A smile lit up his face.

"Yes," she said, smiling. Her eyes twinkled, lit by an inner light.

"I love you."

She giggled, as he raised one arm to put a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you, too, Derek."

He separated his lips to kiss her, her hair tickling the side of his face. "I bet I'll be out soon. I can't wait to take you to the ferryboats."

She smiled at him, squeezing his hand tightly. "Well, you have to take it easy for awhile. I don't want you to get overworked."

He smiled at her, putting his hand in her hair. "Maybe you could stay with me. Until I get better."

Meredith grinned, her eyes locked to his. "Maybe," she whispered.

Their splendor was rudely interrupted by the interruption of Burke coming in. "Dr. Grey, could I speak to you?"

Meredith looked up in surprise. "Sure," she said, still smiling. Burke turned, and Meredith stood up, giving Derek's hand a final squeeze as she followed Burke out of the room. "What's up?" She asked. She noted Cristina leaning against the wall, her face torn. She looked back and forth at them, confused.

Meredith stood in the cafeteria of the hospital, her empty stomach matching her face and heart. That's how she was. Empty.

"Hey," Cristina said softly, coming up and touching her wrist softly. Meredith didn't respond. "Meredith?" Cristina's voice was concerned.

"I have to get back to Derek." Eight syllables, eight steps on the stairway down to the depths of Hell.

"I'll walk you," Cristina sounded worried, but her voice was decisive, firm in its avowal.

Meredith was silent, making her way to the elevator with Cristina right by her side. "He's going to be fine," Cristina said.

Meredith forced herself to nod. "Of course he is."

Cristina frowned at her. "Meredith! Burke's going to make him all better. Burke's going to take care of him."

Meredith tried to make her heart start beating again. Yes. Burke, one of the greatest cardiovascular surgeons in the country. She smiled, a very, very small smile. "Right."

Cristina smiled too, but it barely outreached Meredith's. The elevator door binged, and they walked down the hall, reaching room 307. Meredith opened the door tentatively, and saw Derek lying in bed with his eyes closed. Burke was sitting in the corner. He looked up when she came in, jumping out of his seat. He gave her a small nod as he walked out of the room, as she took a seat next to Derek. His hand felt cold, and it gave her the creeps.

"Derek," she whispered. His eyes remained closed. His face reminded her of a sculpture, so tragically, silently, beautiful. Like glass. Clear, pure, lovely glass. It was so, so beautiful to her, but it was so easy to break. And once glass is broken, you can try as hard as you want to fix it. But deep down, you know it's never going to be the same.

She brought his hand up to her lips, wishing she could breathe life into him through the pores of his skin. She didn't like the cold. It was so harsh, so...empty.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice was a whisper, spoken softly as his eyes drifted open, causing her to float back down to reality.

"Yes. It's me." It took so much effort to smile at Cristina, but with Derek the movement of her lips was almost unintentional.

"I'm so glad you came."

She reached down to touch his face, and it was _so_ soft. How could she have compared it to glass? He was as much its opposite as metal to cloud. Derek wasn't going to break.

"I miss you when you're gone." Derek was talking to her again.

She smiled at him, leaning down to kiss his chin. It felt shockingly intimate. "Then I won't leave again, Derek. Bailey gave me the day off. She said to take as much time as I needed."

Derek smiled. "Miranda's a sweet girl."

Meredith laughed, knowing how Bailey would feel if she heard that. "How are you feeling?"

Derek's eyes looked so heart wrenching, the ultimate blend of such lovely blues and greens. With Meredith they smiled even when he wasn't smiling, and they reminded her of the ocean on the first day of sunshine after a long, hard storm. "So happy."

Meredith laughed, a burst of sunshine and color in the stark white, empty hospital room. "I meant physically. Medically."

Derek's smile was for her and her only. "So happy," he repeated. His hand squeezed hers. A thought flitted through her mind, uncharacteristically abstract in her mind. She pushed it away. They were not Romeo and Juliet. She hated Romeo and Juliet. Damn mausoleum.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek's words were soft, and pretty abstract in their own right. She briefly contemplated telling him. "Nothing," she said, laughing. "You," she added, as an afterthought.

"I was thinking about you, too," he said. His eyes had a mystical look to them. He squeezed her hand again.

She couldn't pretend something didn't exist when she knew so strongly that it did. (Funny, how that came into her head, when that was what had brought her to him in the first place). "Derek, did Dr. Burke talk to you-" Her voice was hesitant and quiet. She hated hesitant and quiet. She wanted facts, precision, an all-knowing mind that never questioned itself.

Derek's grip on her hand grew almost uncomfortably tight. "Yes. But I'm not worried, at all. And you shouldn't be either. Dr. Burke is an extremely capable surgeon-"

Meredith opened her mouth to cut him off, but changed her mind instead, smiling and squeezing his hand comfortingly. "Yes," she said, her childhood lisp slightly apparent in her voice. "He is."

Derek brought her hand up to his lips, softly kissing the knuckles of her index and middle fingers. His lips felt slightly dry on her skin. "I love you, Meredith. So much." His eyes were tired, but they were smiling, too.

She closed her eyes, leaning her head against him. He held onto her hair like it was precious stuff. His chest felt familiar, but the essence of her feelings was embezzled by the feeling of the polyester in the harsh, lifeless hospital gown. The fabric felt scratchy on her cheek. Not the delicious kind of scratchy, like Derek when he didn't shave for a day, but the kind of scratchy that Hurt. She felt her eyes water, and the tear was soft, stifling the scratches. "I love you too, Derek."


	5. Why do Angels Fly Away?

**Down for Love **

**Chapter 5**

**Greyeyedgirl**

_One whisper, one thought._

_Lost battles fought_

_Can brutal burns be mended?_

"How are you feeling, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Burke looked down at him, astoundingly pococurante.

"Um, I'm still in some pain, to be honest."

"Your surgery is scheduled for this afternoon. I've already shared with you my concerns, my...hesitancy, but if all goes well...you'll be walking out of here in less than two weeks, fresh as new."

"I'm not worried."

Burke forced a smile, not voicing his disquietude about that. "Good. I don't want you to be."

"I called my lawyer."

Burke looked down at him.

"I want to have my affairs in order. Just in case. I want to make sure Meredith is taken care of."

Burke felt his stomach flip inside out. His voice came out calm, reassuring. "That's not necessary."

Meredith came strolling into the room, her hair falling down her shoulders. "Hi," she said smiling.

Derek's face lit up. "Meredith."

Burke looked discomforted. "I have to go check up on my other patient," he stated, slipping past Meredith and into the hustling hall.

Meredith took a seat next to Derek, a smile on her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Perfect." His eyes twinkled as he smiled tenderly at her.

She beamed. "I'm so glad." She took hold of his hand, removing the small plastic bag she had been holding behind her back. "I brought you something. They were selling them by the harbor. I had Cristina pick it up." She carefully opened the bag and pulled out a small object. It was a perfect model of a tiny ferry boat.

Derek lit up, smiling brightly. "I love it." Meredith grinned, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

"Did you sleep well?"

Derek smiled sweetly. "Yes. I had a dream about you."

Meredith squeezed his hand. "Tell me about it."

Derek closed his eyes, his tired face bright with happiness. He began to recount.

_They were married. They lived not in the trailer, but in a large, beautiful home that resided on the land he owned. They owned._

_The little girl was three, and she had thick, wavy dark hair. Her eyes were the identical shades of Dereks'. Her shy smile, though, was Meredith's._

_"Mommy, I got a splinter." Her voice sounded pitiful._

_Meredith picked her up, inspecting her finger. "Well, I think we can get that out without too much problem," she teased._

_"It hurts."_

_Derek bent his head, a large grin lighting up his face. He lifted an arm to ruffle her hair. "Mommy'll take care of you, Princess."_

_"Give me your hand, Ava." Meredith took the pair of tweezers Derek handed her, and set the little girl down._

_"Ooooh, Mommy! It hurts!"_

_"All done." Meredith smiled warmly at the little girl._

_"When are Aunt Cristina and Uncle Preston coming?"_

_"They'll be here soon."_

_Ava jumped up and down excitedly, her splinter already forgotten. "Are they bringing the baby?"_

_Meredith smiled at her. "They sure are."_

_"Yippee!"_

Meredith smiled, squeezing Derek's hand. "Ava," she whispered.

Derek smiled sheepishly, and Meredith laughed. "It's cute."

"Ahem." Dr. Bailey's voice was quiet, coming into the room with Alex, Izzie, Cristina, and George in tow. "Rounds," she explained to Meredith.

Meredith looked up from her seat next to Derek's bed. "Which one of you's his doctor?"

Alex looked uncomfortable. "That would be me," he said uneasily. Meredith managed a weak smile.

"O'Malley, you're presenting."

George looked down at the chart in his hands. "Dr. Derek Shepherd, post-op day three. Scheduled for another surgery this afternoon to further repair his damaged heart."

Bailey nodded, looking tired. "Do you have any questions?" She asked Meredith and Derek doubtfully.

Meredith and Derek turned their heads to look at her for a few moments, and Bailey nodded quietly to herself, backing out of the room with the interns. "Feel better, Dr. Shepherd!" Izzie called chipperly as she exited.

"Mer," Derek said weakly, trying to sit up in bed.

Meredith frowned, trying to get him to lie back down. "Yes?"

Derek smiled feebly. "You know I said I wanted you to stay with me for a while, until I get better."

Meredith smiled back at him. "Yes."

Derek blushed, dipping his head, his hair curling downwards under the bandages on his skull. "What if you stayed longer than that?"

Meredith felt her face grow delectably warm. "You mean move in with you?"

Derek smiled, a few dips of color coming into his otherwise pale cheeks. "Yes."

Meredith grinned. "Yes."

Derek looked at her happily for a few moments, their eyes attaching themselves to each other's. _Only in you can I completely lose myself. _ No, that wasn't true. With Derek, Meredith wasn't losing herself. She was just letting herself go.

"Derek?" Meredith stepped back into the room, looking at Derek's weak pallor and frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Meredith," Derek murmured, his body breathing hard. Meredith looked at him for a few moments, watching him shake.

"I'm going to page Dr. Burke."

"No! No, I'm fine," Derek whispered, sounding hoarse. "Sorry," he whispered. "It's just my...head. It's hurting, probably because of the concussion." He smiled jokingly. "But I'm not sure. The head isn't really my area of expertise."

Meredith looked at him worriedly, taking in his worn appearance. "Are-are you sure? You don't look very good-"

Derek smiled wanly. "Well, there's _one_ way to talk to your sick boyfriend."

Meredith tried to smile. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Derek beamed at her, his color starting to return. "I'm fine. Just a little tired." He paused, smiling at her, the light back in his eyes. "I love you, Meredith."

Meredith watched him, concerned. "I love you too, Derek."

_Wings bent, you landed by my side_

_A simple few feathers amiss_

_The angel of my dreams, so simple and pure_

_With lightning in your kiss_

_Breathing unnecessary_

_Two lungs work as one_

_Synchronized, amends_

_An old life rebegun._

_I'd always been a hell-raiser,_

_But you pulled down Heaven instead_

_Made my world turn counter-clockwise_

_Reawoke the life in a dead_

_Pure white light, in an empty Grey world_

_Darkness' sunshine, everlasting rays_

_Pain unbearable, at the very thought-_

_Can angels fly away?_


	6. Shades of Grey

**Down for Love-**

**chapter 6**

**by greyeyedgirl**

_Nine times nine is eighty-one. A polynomial with three terms and a degree of 3 is a cubic trinomial. Every set is a subset of itself._

Meredith had always loved math. Even when she struggled with something for awhile, she was still blown away by the simplicity of complications that existed in mathematics. There was a formula for _everything._ There was always an answer, and only _one_, complete, simple answer.

Life was slightly more complicated.

She brushed her hair out of her face with her hand, trying desperately to get out of a half-awake, half-asleep, aware-of-nothing phase of consciousness. Derek's surgery was in six hours. It was now 9:13 AM, at least according to the delicate silver watch that embraced her slender wrist. It was kind of beautiful, if you looked at the watch without abandon. Like math. Simple complications. A contradiction in terms.

Derek was lying asleep in his hospital bed only inches away from where her watch on the outskirts of the scratchy cotton pillow. It was the kind of pillow that makes your hair static-y and your face turn red if you sleep too long on it. The bandage on Derek's head blended smoothly against the corner of the pillow, the colors shades apart. Shades of white. Meredith hated white. It was a empty color, desperate for something to make it more, better, than what it really was...nothing.

The thought hit her despicably. Derek was so much more than white. He was so much bigger than she was. More important. A simple complication.

She put her finger ever so lightly on the bottom of his jaw, on the right side. She could feel a tiny bone popping out.

"How's he doin'?"

Meredith jumped, startled, to see Alex standing just inside the doorway. "He's fine," she said hoarsely.

Alex walked over to check Derek's BP and temperature, writing carefully on his chart. "Fine, Grey?"

He seemed to regret his words as an unreadable expression crossed over Meredith's face. "Sorry," he muttered.

Meredith kept her head bent towards Derek as she stood up. "I have to go. I told Cristina I'd-" she didn't bother to finish her sentence as she left the room, seeing Alex page Dr. Burke out of the corner of her eye.

"Code red! Third floor cardiology, code red!"

Meredith sat up in the on-call room, hearing the announcement over the speakers. _Derek. Noooooo._

In later days, she would not be able to remember her race to the elevator, her frantic pushing of the button, '3,' and the way she bounced loosely on her heels as she waited for the elevator to move. How could it take so long for a huge box to travel one freakin' floor?

Cristina was waiting outside of the door to Derek's room, staring with an almost angry look on her face at the painting in front of her.

"Mer!" Her voice came out panicked, which was not reassuring. Cristina was an expert at keeping her cool.

"I was with Burke when the code was called. I came up here with him, I said I'd wait for you, I-" Cristina was spitting out collections of letters, but none of them made sense to Meredith. Her vision wasn't allowing color in, and she felt panicked at the gray surrounding her. It was all the same. Not even different shades.

Cristina was rushing her back towards the elevator. Meredith didn't think enough about all that really went on inside hospitals. People regularly ran through the halls. And for each runner, there was one person who was in pain, one person who's life was on the line.

There they were. Dr. Burke and a group of doctors were pushing a gurney towards the OR, and Derek was sitting halfway up on top of it, his eyes, such a lovely bluish green, seemed uncharacteristically dull. The blood gushing from his mouth in large bursts was the only color besides gray reaching Meredith's version. Ohhhhhh. It was so, so red. Gleaming under the harsh hospital lighting.

"Meredith." It was Derek's body that grumbled out Meredith's name, but it was not his voice. Not the soft, sweet, playful voice she had fell in love with, anyway.

"Derek." She realized she was crying, her body shaking, and she couldn't breathe. _Derek, Derek, Derek._ Her teacher, her teacher's teacher. Her sister, her daughter. The man kind enough to offer her a marker.

The one who'd lied about having a wife. The one who had needed her, who she had saved, who had fallen in love with her without even knowing what was happening. It hadn't been the Chase.

Dr. Burke was wheeling him into the room, but Meredith knew that it wouldn't be to any use, just as Preston did. She knew it as simply as she knew multiplication, and polynomials, and the difference between equal and equivalent sets.

The one she'd fallen in love with, the one who'd brought so much beautiful color to her dark, empty, bland world, was gone. God shouldn't be able to give out angels if he's planning on taking them back. You can't tempt a mouse with cheese then expect it to go back to eating whatever crap they'd had to taste before that.

It wasn't fair, all this pain, all this slicing and incising right into her skin, causing the unliving blood to escape and malnourish her. Was it so, so bad to ask for anesthesia?

All the softness that was Derek was being crushed by the harsh reality of all the bad, sucky things that can happen in life. It seemed backward in Meredith's mind. Darkness couldn't overpower light, could it? Wasn't heat more powerful than frost?

One more glimpse of Derek's face was offered to her right before he entered the OR. His face was settled, but tortured in a quiet, deathly sort of way. A simple complication.

All the memories, the overpowering love and betrayal and denial, washed over her. Her tears weren't just warm, they were burning, a salty fire escaping from her deepest depths. She didn't realize she was shouting until it was too late, and she sunk desperately to the ground, the wails escaping her in loud, heart wrenching bursts, as her world went gray around her.


	7. A Simple Complication

**Down for Love**

chapter seven

By Greyeyedgirl

_"Shhhh. Shhhh."_ Cristina's voice sounded sweet, as she rubbed Meredith's hair softly.

It was four hours after Derek's surgery. Snatches of conversation had whirled around Meredith's head, but nothing long enough for her to understand it. The inside of Meredith's mind was not only dreadfully cloudy, but stormy, as well. The rain was beating too hard down on her, and some mean person had taken away her umbrella.

_"We did everything we could,"_

_"His heart was too badly damaged,"_

_"It's a wonder he didn't collapse before then,"_

The doctors had had trouble, not knowing if they should talk to her as a patient's girlfriend, or a fellow surgeon. Both were the wrong choices.

Dr. Burke stood in the corner of the hospital room, his face silent, drawn away. There was a coldness in the room, making Meredith's raindrops turn into ice, banging at the side of her head.

"Shhhh," Cristina whispered again. Meredith snuggled in closer to her. Her mind wasn't working yet. She didn't know the difference between multiplication and division. Polynomials weren't anything except random numbers strung together.

Her watch, the one that had struck her as so beautiful next to Derek's lock of hair, was now making her wrist feel cold.

Some of Cristina's hair was in Meredith's view. It's curl was definite, defined, and it stood out in the cold white room. Empty white, with only Cristina there to comfort her.

"How's she doing?"

Only whispers were being heard around the hospital. It was as if life stood still. Nurses who had gone on strike were back, and their faces were expressionless as they walked lifelessly down the halls.

"I don't know. Cristina brought her home, but she won't let any of us see her."

"Cristina left?"

"Yeah."

"Should we go? And see if she's all right?"

Each of the remaining interns were quiet as the stood in the small triangle. It was George's voice that finally spoke, his speech barely firmer than a whisper. "Cristina's there."

Cristina laid with Meredith on Meredith's bed, with Meredith's head lying gently on her shoulder. Neither of them spoke for a while.

"You should probably go. You have an early morning." Meredith's voice came out hoarse.

"Shhhh," Cristina whispered. "It's okay."

Meredith felt cold inside, and wondered if maybe she was the glass that had been broken.

"I'm fine." Meredith sounded raspy.

"Shhhh," Cristina whispered again. Meredith closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Izzie stood just outside the front entrance of the hospital, the wind making her long blond hair flow out from her. The gust was strong and harsh. A storm was coming.

Izzie Stevens had mixed feeling about rain. Sometimes it could be welcome, the soft trickles of water feeling refreshing to her tired skin. There was nothing quite like a quiet, power-driven storm. But right now she was hating it, the humid air making her sweaty under her turquoise jacket, the feeling of dampness already in the air. That was another thing she hated about storms. It shouldn't feel wet, not until after it had rained.

Her thoughts were broken by the sound of the automatic doors opening and shutting directly behind her, the soft _whoosh_-like sound being lost in the blowing air. Dr. Burke didn't look at her as he stepped across the sidewalk onto the pavement, his dark jacket falling carelessly off of him as his steps defied the blowing wind.

The storm came. Meredith watched it come and go through her bedroom window, Cristina watching her intently from the bed. Neither of them spoke.

The rain finally stopped, and everything seemed quiet. There was no noise from downstairs, and Meredith didn't know if Izzie and George were home or not. The thought floated listlessly through her mind, but it exited just as quickly, like something going in one ear and out the other. Not pausing along in the brain.

Meredith liked the rain, but she hadn't always. Sometimes, if she tried, she could remember sitting in this very room, during one of her first few years. She'd sung the nursery rhyme she'd learned with a small, sweet voice as the drops beat harshly against the window. _"Rain, rain, go away, come again another day."_ And there'd been another one she'd sang. Something about a man sitting up in bed, bumping his head, and couldn't get up in the morning. She closed her eyes. She couldn't remember anymore.

As Meredith had grown, she'd started to like the sound of rain hitting a house that was empty except for her. It had seemed like a friend, one that was unarguably steady, and that, while it liked to come at bad times, always left the same results, and making her feel not quite so alone.

For some reason, though, the aftermath of this rain just made her feel sad. A memory passed through her mind of something a childhood friend of hers, Lexi, had told her. Lexi's soft voice ran through her head.

_"You know what I hate? After it rains, the water sometimes drips down off the rooftops. I'll sit and watch it, as each individual drop falls to its fate. It makes me so sad. I'll watch it, as the drop hangs still for just a moment, clinging hopefully to the edge, and I feel sad, knowing its fate. I want to help it, prevent if from stopping, but when I reach out...it's already fallen."_

Meredith watched the drops falling off the rooftop onto the ledge outside her window. She felt something stir inside of her, and a Moment occurred, as she stared down at those raindrops she could not save, shattered to a million pieces.

So many miles away, a phone call reached the penthouse in an expensive penthouse on the Upper East Side. Addison shook her head, her long hair shaking around on her shoulders. She set down the glass of scotch, reaching blearily for the phone. There was silence for a few moments.

"Addie?" Richard Webber's voice sounded hesitant.

"Richard," Addison said drunkenly into the phone. She frowned, her green eyes becoming small emeralds against her skin. "Richard, I'm not coming back."

Richard's voice was pained. "Addie, we need to talk."

_Key. _He needed the key. _Right. Got it._ Dr. Burke fumbled with the small piece of metal, inserting it into the lock. _Now, turn._ There. The door was open.

The apartment was quiet and seemed empty. He slipped off his jacket, then stopped mid-movement hanging up his coat when he saw Cristina, sitting on the couch with Meredith leaning against her.

He paused, not knowing what to do. Meredith was making soft breathing noises, they seemed almost rhythmic. Cristina rubbed her hair softly.

Cristina looked up at him, and her brown eyes were wet. He walked over and sat down next to them, his movements still hesitant. Meredith opened her eyes, giving him a tiny smile from her worn face. She wasn't blaming him.

He felt his eyes fill and he started to shake as he gently took her hand and squeezed it, ever so lightly. Meredith felt her breath catch, and she let herself go, crying hysterically. _Derek, Derek, Derek._ She needed him. How could he not be there?

She turned her body so she was laying against Burke, and he gently wrapped an arm around her. Cristina moved her body so she was laying against her, hugging her tightly as Burke wiped away a tear.

She was surprised to find that this really did comfort her. Cristina and Burke's embrace were one of pure love, and she let herself sink into them. Maybe, she thought blearily, life _did_ provide anesthesia.


	8. In the Face of Tragedy

**Down for Love**

chapter 8

by **greyeyedgirl**

It was still dark outside. The Seattle air was cold, blowing harshly from the February sky, leaving a trail of destruction as it caused snow to fall and stripped the life from several innocent, beautiful plants.

Miranda Bailey made her way slowly through the parking lot, her hand lying gently on her stomach. Less than 48 hours since Dr. Shepherd's death, and yet she still felt cold all over, remembering time she'd spent with them. Remembering his tears on the elevator. Music floated gently down to her ears. _If love were enough._

Somewhere in her memory she stirred the image of him calling her Miranda, and her teasing him about his hair. Over-moussed, she had said. She had tormented Grey for falling in love with him. She rubbed angry tears from her eyes with her spare hand. Why couldn't she just let anybody happy? Was she really a---_Nazi_?

Derek's death hit everybody hard. His grin in the hallway, the twinkle in his eye as he asked Meredith if she needed a marker, or informed Bailey of Dr. Webber's "super secret sunset surgery."

The automatic door seemed to be broken, probably from the storm the night before. Miranda frowned as she pushed the door open, hearing the little _click_-ing noise as the door rattled against the hard metal floor. Per usual, doctors and nurses hurried restlessly through the hospital, but it was different now. Quieter. There was no laughter, and no juicy gossip was being murmured through the halls. The staff's faces looked like an uncomfortable snapshot, their appearances frozen into a look of solemnity and pain. She caught sight of Dr. Burke strolling past the door to the locker-room, his face expressionless, his hand woven delicately into the one of Cristina's.

Grey was leaning against a wall, wearing scrubs, but they looked dirty. A gray spot was embedded on the right shoulder of one, and there was a tiny hole in the thigh of her pants as if someone had unknowingly scratched it out. Bailey vaguely saw George walking down the halls towards her, and Bailey shook her head at him. The last night Grey needed right then was another guy she could fall in love with, especially when he was so madly in love with her.

"Rounds," said Bailey almost inaudibly, and Grey shot up from her spot on the wall. "Not you," said Miranda pointedly. "Yang is going to take you home and stay with you."

Meredith frowned, but Cristina didn't object, simply removed her hand from Burke's, carefully leading Meredith towards the door. "Please," Meredith said, turning towards Bailey. "What am I supposed to do all day?"

Cristina turned her head towards Bailey, too. "I'll take care of her," she said quietly. Bailey nodded, bending her head and rubbing her eyes.

"How's she doing?"

Cristina toyed with the cord on the phone, wandering aimlessly through Meredith's kitchen. "She's sleeping," she told George.

"Good. That's, uh, good, right?"

Cristina shrugged into the phone. "It's not _bad,_" she said doubtfully.

"But it's not good."

Cristina ground her shoe into the tile floor impatiently. "The man she loved just _died,_ at the hands of the man _I_ love. Nothing could be good right now."

There was silence on the phone. George's voice came out hesitant. "The man you what?"

"What?"

Cristina froze, realizing what she had said. It caught her off guard. "George, that's not the point. The point is-"

"You love Burke." George's voice was marveling at such a thought.

"I do not. Now, we have to talk strategy. We have to do something to make Meredith smile."

"Strategy in the face of tragedy."

Cristina groaned into the phone. "George!"

"Sorry."

Cristina paced restlessly through the kitchen. "What do we do, what do we do..." She was murmuring quietly, and didn't know if George could hear her.

"When's the funeral?"

Cristina make a noise of frustration, running one hand quickly through her thick hair. "Two days."

"Is she-Do you think she should go?"

"No."

"Oh."

"She has to, though. And she might want to."

She could hear George breathing through the phone. She felt her breath catch in her throat, and her eyes filled. "George, what do we do?"

Her voice was muffled, she was trying to cover her face from her new seat at the kitchen table. George's voice came out equally emotional, though he couldn't form any actual words.

Every, single, day, the five interns under Dr. Bailey faced death in some way. Their patients died, their friends' patients died, they heard of someone dying when they stood on the elevator, just wanting to go home. Death was, inevitably and hypocritically, a major part of life.

Yet no one could deal with it. When it was one of their own, one that they talked to and loved, it was worse than not being able to deal. The big empty space that was Death was painful to all who could witness it, and it was nothing to the friend that was Life. No one knew much about life or death, just knew that you had to somehow, incompatiously, get through both. There wasn't a choice about it.

For one, who had suffered the slipping away of someone loved literally right through his fingers, the death of Derek Shepherd was incomparably difficult. For another, the love she had unknowingly yearned for had been ripped away, right when things had been falling into place for them.

And now those two were stuck, balancing dangerously between two ultimatums, in that little space where hard decisions were made. For Meredith Grey and Preston Burke did have a decision to make, whether they knew it or not, each of them wallowing in their own quiet form of self-pity and grief. And so they stood there, above the great fiery pit and below the cool rushing water, in a place, a place for the dead that are not really dead, and the living who are not quite alive.


	9. In The Wake of the Storm

**Down for Love**

By greyeyedgirl

_Chapter 9:_ _In The Wake of The Storm_

The black material looked itchy. That was Cristina Yang's first thought when she rolled out of bed and saw her boyfriend putting on a suit. Burke was not looking at her, oblivious to the end of her splendor, as he rummaged through a drawer for a tie.

Cristina sat up, keeping her eyes glued on him. She glanced over at the clock, wondering. "Hi," she said quietly.

Burke turned, the navy tie wrapped loosely around his neck, lying limply. "Good morning."

Cristina looked back at the clock. "It's early."

Burke was silent as he sat down next to her on the bed. His body was stiff.

Cristina watched him carefully. "Burke," she said softly.

He turned to look at her.

There were two tiny lines etched into her forehead, and she leaned forward quickly to kiss him. "This isn't your fault."

Burke shook. She was good at doing that, at shaking him. He'd never met someone who made his breathing quicken and stir with each individual sentence.

There were drops hanging at the side of his eyes, tiny crystals against his skin. "I can't go," he said hoarsely.

Cristina took her hand and rested it lightly onto his leg. "Burke," she murmured.

He stirred lightly, his head pounding. Cristina took his hand.

He rested his head sideways against her shoulder, as she moved her hand so it was in his.

Meredith had always loved the comfort of bed. The pillows were soooo soft, and the blanket just laid warmly over her body, letting her rest in peace.

She'd always been funny that way. She could lay awake in bed for hours at a time, not speaking to anyone or even taking the blanket off. Just...resting, as thoughts rolled lazily through her mind. Sometimes she'd just sleep.

She remembered hazily the summer her mother had sent her away to sleep-away camp, a few weeks before she'd started seventh grade. Each bunk had been divided into two teams, cleverly dubbed "Pepsi" and "Coke," and you earned points for participation. The most points were earned by the kids who woke up at 5:30, changing quickly into their bathing suits in order to go running into the freezing lake, merging their heads underwater. "Polar bearing." The friend she had made there, Jasmine, had dragged Meredith (literally, across the floor) into the bathroom, laughing. "Come on!"

Meredith had stared at her vaguely, before shaking her hair and, her voice hoarse, replying, "You'll find me in my bunk."

She'd banged her leg climbing back into bed.

And now, about 15 years later, the quote came back to her. "I'll be in bed," she mumbled to herself.

"No." The voice startled her, and Meredith sat up. Izzie stood in her doorway, still in the sweats she had slept in, with make-up she had obviously not bothered to wash off the night before remaining reluctantly on her face.

Izzie climbed into her bed, not bothered by the fact that Meredith didn't make room for her. "I know," Izzie said, slowly and hoarsely, "That this is going to be hard. The-" Her voice broke, and she wiped her eyes impatiently. She continued, her words coming out with the air of someone who hadn't slept in several days, "The hardest thing you are _ever _going to have to do." She looked at Meredith solemnly, her brown eyes alight. "But you have to." Meredith kept her gaze averted, before climbing back under the covers, knocking Izzie off of the bed.

The night before, it had rained. A stillness still hung in the air, the aftermath of a storm. The funeral home stood up right and cautious, surrounded by cars. Meredith walked in in silence, Izzie holding her on one side, George on the other, his arm draped loosely on her shoulder. The air should have felt chilly, but Meredith could not feel the cold drowning her skin. She couldn't feel anything. The haze, that ugly fog, was falling over her again.

Cristina and Burke stood just inside, each in dark clothing. Burke's face was stoic. Cristina shot him occasional glances, a few lines forming on her pretty face. Her hair hung loosely down her shoulders, cooperating for this solemn day.

The door in the back opened, and a shade of dark red entered, contrasting with the black all around. Addison's head was bowed as she made her way to a seat.

Meredith looked around, barely comprehending what was going on. She caught sight of several little girls, each with dark curly hair and large blue-ish green eyes. A few boys, their ages varied, were near them. All of them were silent, and most of their faces were stained from tears. Somewhere deep inside her, something jogged her memory. Derek's voice, carrying out in the night. Nine nieces. Five nephews. Meredith turned away.

And there was Addison.

Dr. Montgomery Shepherd did not say anything to her. There was no anger in her eyes as she took in Meredith, the tinted blue catching hold of the navy-ringed grey. Something was clouding in Meredith's brain, making everything blank, everything the same. A memory of Derek, blood gushing from his throat, flashed into her head. She choked.

Before he died, he had signed the divorce papers, he eyes caught on Meredith, smiling. He had kissed her afterwards. His lips has been dry, scratchy, but Meredith loved it.

She knew Addison had signed the papers too. Everything had been set. Derek and Meredith had been set for each other.

Now the divorce would never become final. She would not be remembered as the woman Derek had loved. She was nothing, nothing but a dirty mistress. A homewrecker, a life-ruiner. She was no better than her parents, her mother for cheating on her father, and her father for letting her.

She and Derek would never live together, never have that last kiss. There'd be no little girl, no Ava to get splinters or have her daddy's curly hair. No baby to cuddle with, no eyes to smile into. Derek was _gone._

She wasn't aware of Cristina taking her hand and leading her away, towards the back of the room, quiet. Her breathing was rapid and unsteady, causing her body distress. _Was_ she even breathing?

Cristina was brushing her hair out of her face, her hair that smelled like lavender from her conditioner. She was forcing her to look into her eyes, those eyes that had shared _that_ look, _their _look. Meredith shook her head frantically. This could not be happening. She was never going to get out of bed _again._

Cristina's hand was soft, her fingers long and intertwining. She brushed at Meredith's long cotton black dress. Meredith let her mind run, faster and faster so none of the thoughts would be able to be thought. Every moment she'd shared with Derek. Every surgery she'd ever scrubbed into. Every little shade of grey that had reached her eyes, every Seattle storm she'd stayed in bed through. No memories. No thoughts.

She remembered Derek telling her it was okay while she'd been pulling out the bomb, comforting her. No, wait. That'd only been a dream, his existence a figment of her imagination. Derek hadn't been with her that day.

Across the room, Bailey stood crying, her baby in her arms. Tucker stood with his arm around her, comforting her softly.

Derek's parents stood in front of the casket, looking down at their pale son. That wasn't Derek, though. There were no eyes to twinkle, no muscle control left to smile. No Derek inside that body, just chemicals to keep his face straight. His hair contrasted with the white pillow resting beneath his head. No, this wasn't Derek. This was left-over Derek.

A minister walked to the front of the room, a bible in hand. He began his service.

"Derek Shepherd was a great man, full of kindness, and compassion for his patients. He had a happy family, a loving wife." A tremor went through the crowd. Meredith shook from her new spot sitting next to Cristina, with Burke on Cristina's other side. "He was ripped away too early, a tragedy in which I have not seen the likes of in many years. We can only be comforted, now, by knowing he is in the hands of God, taking the compassion and love he showed to all, and spreading it out in the land of Heaven."

Meredith squeezed Cristina's hand so hard it turned red, then purple. Cristina felt Burke's body harden on her left. She grasped for his hand hanging by his chair. He was shaking as well.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the Wake of the Storm

The wind blew Meredith's hair around as she stood on the dock at the harbor. The ferry boat was bobbing in the water, reminding her of a child's bath toy. She drew her jacket closer around her, shivering in the deep Seattle air. The ocean looked a familiar bluish-green, so she switched back on her Gray Lens. She wasn't ready for that, yet.

A couple came giggling past her on the dock, him with shaded dark hair, her with a dirty blonde. A baby laid in her arms. Meredith turned away, watching a bird soar over the water. The air was damp and humid, and the sky was a burdening gray. She chewed on the tip of a strand of hair almost absently, reclaiming her childhood habit. She stopped. Her hair tasted like her conditioner.

A few miles away, Burke watched his girlfriend crawl into bed next to him, one of his old college t-shirts hanging down past her mid-thigh. Her legs rubbed against the pair of boxers she'd borrowed of his, and her soft hair brushed against his face as she cuddled into him.

"How are you doing?" Her voice was uncharacteristically soft and sweet. Her eyes were gentle under the defying curl that swung in its way.

Burke looked into these rendered brown orbs, feeling emotion finally cross across his face as a rush flowed through him. He brushed his forehead against hers.

"Fine," he said. "I'm fine."


	10. Shake the World Around

**Down for Love**

Chapter 10-Shake the World Around

A/N: LOL, how long has it been since I've updated this fic:P Sorry, I've been busy with "A Love That Will Never Grow Old." And now I'm mondo-tired and listening to a Good Charlotte song, and hopefully this turns okay, I'm trying out a new method for producing brilliant writing, it's called being lazy and sitting tiredly, typing idly at 2 o'clock in the morning while I sip at my blue raspberry kool-aid, which is some _seriously_ yummy stuff.

Disclaimer: I think if you've ever read my writing, you know it's not good enough to be affiliated with Grey's Anatomy. Derrrrr.

D4L!

_Shhh._

_Drip. Drop._

Cristina decided she liked this spot. Most of the time, she became tied up with the rushing of time, the early, fast-paced mornings in which she pushed herself through rounds, the tired, slinting nights when she walked bleary-eyed up to hers and Burke's apartment.

Now, though, she stood, in the aftermath of a storm. It hit her suddenly that it rained too much in Seattle. It was depressing. Or, more importantly, it didn't make you feel any better, in the event that were already depressed.

She shivered beneath Burke's jacket, her hair shaking. She brought her hand back, absentmindedly fumbling with a clip as she tried to tame to the flowing mane.

Burke was still in bed. He'd taken, lately, to sleeping in, then when he finally awoke he could only stare at her blankly.

Cristina shivered again, hating the rain, and storms, and the cold chill in which death hung in the air, subtle to the unsuspecting eye, but cold and unrelenting all the same. Cristina longed for the warmth of 'McDreamy,' of Burke's smile, of the twinkle in Meredith's eye when she viewed Derek. She had the distinct feeling she would never witness any of these things again. Her lungs seemed to explode inside her, and she felt the tears shake, trying to break out. She shivered restlessly, her legs twitching, before she gave herself into the tears, sheltering herself with Burke's heavy jacket and rubbing her eyes neurotically, turning tiredly and making her way back to the elevator.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**PRESTON BURKE, MD.**

The small, indented sign on the door to his office was the same, the grey familiarity of it doing nothing to assuage his guilty conscience. Conscious of the nurses bustling around him, he pushed open the door to the room. While others' movements were fast, frantic, moving, he stayed still, calm, careful, and mild.

It looked the same. His lab coat hung off the hook on the door, his desk was clean, immaculate, there were no stray bits of fuzz on the carpet. It even smelled the same, the small hint of peroxide hidden beneath his oaky desk. The paperwork he'd been working on was right where he'd left it, the pen sticking out from where he'd hazardly slammed the file when the code had been called.

His first surgery was today. The first since...

He didn't want to think about that.

What if something went wrong?

Burke _threw_ the file off of his desk, papers went flying, as Burke sunk into the chair and rested his head into his hands.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Katelyn Renaldi, 27, presents with multiple scyclosis and cardio-rhythmic abnormalities. In need of a intravascular release valve replacement and endothermic cardotomy." Izzie stepped back, her mind still on Denny.

"Surgery scheduled for 7 o'clock this morning, currently being prepped for pre-op with a dose of E.N.G and albiteron." Cristina glanced back down at her chart.

"Grey?" Burke said softly.

"Surgical history of a valve replacement cardoradicy and multiple valve prolapse in 2003."

"Excellent." He forced down a smile at the young woman lying in front of him. "Well, Mrs. Renaldi, let's get you prepped for surgery."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Burke always liked the rush. Not the rush of the control, the playing God, the knowledge that one screw-up could take away this person's life. No, that rush was scary as hell...Burke liked the rush of the movements, the subtle delicacy of each thread being pulled, each cut being made. He liked that it took such careful control of his hands to do such little work.

He liked being a surgeon.

Sometimes, like moments like this, he would pause for the tiniest splinter of a second, and that first rush would hit him. He would see for the first time the blood, feel the pulsing of the body beneath him. He was in _control._ He was literally putting in his hand and taking out _death._

Her surgery was going well, he decided.

He couldn't allow himself to think about the last surgery. How the monitor had flatlined, how Derek's heart had looked sliced open and gory.

It hadn't been his fault.

What if, though, they blamed him? For not succeeding with his job? For not being able to grasp the death, for taking a lunge at it and letting it slip right...through...his fingers...?

Goddammit.

"Pump 3 levels of O negative."

"Forceps."

He took them silently from the nurse. "We need to insert the replacement valve before she has time to bleed out. Someone jerked, it wasn't me, causing the stringing to tear."

"Sorry, Dr. Burke." Izzie's voice came out terrified.

Burke's voice was crisp as he finished his job. "It happens."

He closed up quickly, each sew quick and delicate. "She'll be fine," he assured her. Izzie stared at him, trembling.

"Don't worry about it, Stevens."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What are you doing?"

"Hellooooo."

"Meredith!"

Meredith yelled out loud, grabbing the blanket back from Cristina before she could hit her with it again. "Sleeping," she grumbled. "I already checked on my patient."

"Go home. You're sick."

"I am not."

"I heard you! In the bathroom."

"_You_ didn't go home."

"I was pregnant. Not sick. Go home."

"Bite me."

"Is that a dare?" Cristina ripped the blanket out of Meredith's hand, whipping her with the pillow. "Get...up."

"Nooooooooo."

"Do you think your little depression slash flu slash 'my-mom-is-sick-my-life-is-hell-my-world-is-over' thing is going to work on me? Get up!"

Meredith groaned, rolling over and shivering. "Whyyyy?"

"I want this bed."

Meredith sat up. "Cristina!"

Cristina's only response was to whip her with the blanket again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Meredith frowned the next morning as she stood in her bedroom, her jeans pulled up as far as they would go, resting tightly on her waist.

Her jeans didn't fit.

How could her jeans not fit? She hadn't gained weight, had she? She tried to think back, wondering, and could only remember eating _less_, not more. She frowned, the lines cutting even deeper into her skin.

How could her jeans not fit?


End file.
